Velvet Buzzsaw

RATING: [C-|👎]

“Art is either revolution or plagiarism.”

[Paul Gauguin]

The new one from Nightcrawler director Dan Gilroy is about what we’ve come to expect from Netflix Originals. A mix of Francis Bacon and Andrew Wyeth, with “Goya conjured face-melting visions in dark oils and projected . . . on the [screen]” — the film, however, finding itself in silence when being asked to stand in the individual lenses of self-expression. Flat and undeveloped in the requisite pace for engagement, Velvet Buzzsaw proves to skeptics of the art world that even a film about the manifestation of evil in the galleries of design cannot bear the competence required to entertain. Gimmicks at every turn without the language to even advance the semblance of a story line; here, in this first great failure of 2019, we have a horror film that makes the tedium of watching bad films insufferable.

Like the death of Toni Colette, those who watch this film with any sense of appreciaton are like the children walking around the artistic scene of a murder thinking it’s part of the furniture. The sheer vastness of its rudiments and dull shavings is astounding. A film, like its horror tropes, unable to escape the novelties of its framed exhibition. It felt like Frankly Zawe Ashton, one of the major characters in the film, never took acting lessons. Jake Gyllenhaal for his part was carrying the film with his flamboyant character study of a critic who slowly becomes aware of the dangers of the paintings and the consequences of negative reviews on the future livelihood of otherwise decent artists. Moments of the film felt completely superficial and designed for the unthinking public. Lines delivered unnaturally as if the audience is too dumb to follow the unspoken sequence. None of the scenes were creatively done and frankly inept in its banality: a hallmark of modern art, to say the least.

Like the death of Toni Colette, the movie goers of today are like children walking around the artistic scene of a murder thinking it part of the furniture. This freshman film rendition of The Final Destination sequels belongs on the 6th floor of the MoMa where creativity dies and a safe space for the inept flourishes. If museums are “ecstasy machines,” this one can barely run the currents on a cardiopulmonary bypass.

RATING: C-

February

Here is what we’re excited to see this month

VELVET BUZZSAW – February 1 (NETFLIX)

buzzsaw

A satirical thriller set in the contemporary art world scene of Los Angeles where big money artists and mega-collectors pay a high price when art collides with commerce.

Trailer.

ARCTIC – February 1

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A man stranded in the Arctic after an airplane crash must decide whether to remain in the relative safety of his makeshift camp or to embark on a deadly trek through the unknown. After The Grey, this has all the makings of the next great survivor film.

Trailer.

PIERCING – February 1

piercing

A man kisses his wife and baby goodbye and seemingly heads away on business, with a plan to check into a hotel, call an escort service, and kill an unsuspecting prostitute.

Trailer.

EVERYBODY KNOWS – February 8

everybodyknows

Laura, a Spanish woman living in Buenos Aires, returns to her hometown outside Madrid with her two children to attend her sister’s wedding. However, the trip is upset by unexpected events that bring secrets into the open.

Trailer.

THE LEGO MOVIE 2: The Second Part – February 18

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It’s been five years since everything was awesome and the citizens are facing a huge new threat: LEGO DUPLO® invaders from outer space, wrecking everything faster than they can rebuild.

Trailer.

STREAMING

HIGH FLYING BIRD: February 8 (NETFLIX)

Steven Soderbergh is back… oof. Do we think that Soderbergh and McCraney (writer of Moonlight) can pull off a movie about basketball on Netflix. No. No we don’t. Nevertheless I will be tuning in to see this potential/probable airball even though we know what to expect from Soderbergh. Sod all.

 

DON’T WORRY, HE WON’T GET FAR ON FOOT: February 8 (AMAZON PRIME)

Joaquin Phoenix, Jonah Hill, Jack Black and Rooney Mara; yes please. Gus Van Sant’s new movie based on the true story of the edgy-cartoonist-quadriplegic has some promise. Grab a tissue and be prepared to either laugh, cry or some combination of both.

TRUE DETECTIVE SEASON 3: February 24 Season Finale (HBO)

There’s a chance you have been so bombarded with work or life that you have not heard about the newest season of True Detective. That’s OK, I’m here to tell you that it’s here, and is already doing better than season 2. You may have seen season 1 and thought it was the best thing since sliced bread, and then you may have given up on the show altogether in season 2. I’m here to tell you it’s time to hit play on season 3! The final will be this month. Get caught up this weekend and watch a new episode at 9ET after the Super Bowl on Sunday.

Netflix:

  • As Good As It Gets (Feb 1)
  • Billy Elliot (Feb 1)
  • Jaws (Feb 1)
  • The 40-Year-Old Virgin (Feb 16)
  • Chefs Table: Volume 6 (Feb 22)

Amazon Prime

  • Agatha Christie’s The ABC Murders (Original Series) (Feb 1)
  • The Last Of The Mohicans (Feb 1)
  • The Blues Brothers (Feb 1)
  • The Matrix Trilogy (Feb 1)
  • Lorena (prime original series) (Feb 15)

Hulu

  • The Big Lebowski (Feb 1)
  • Caddyshack (Feb 1)
  • Capote (Feb 1)
  • Equilibrium (Feb 1)
  • The Royal Tenenbaums (Feb 1)
  • Wedding Crashers (Feb 1)
  • Select James Bond (Dr. No/From Russia With Love/Goldeneye/License To Kill/Moonraker/Thunderball) (Feb 1)

HBO

  • The Bourne Identity (Feb 1)
  • Collateral (Feb 1)
  • The Pelican Brief (Feb 1)
  • Won’t You Be My Neighbor (Feb 9)
  • Deadpool 2 (Feb 16)